Hello my sweet, sweet apricots!
Did you know it’s been 160 days since I last posted a blog? Of course you did, because you all cross off the depressed, Angela-lacking days on your calendar, amiright?
This blog is basically just a reflection of how much of a joke my life is. Wait, wait… That sounds terrible. How much of a joke I make my life into? Hmmm… How well I’m able to see the humor in my day-to-day? Yes! That’s it! (I’m rusty, sue me). Today provided some of the best inspiration I’ve had in a while. Not because it was a particularly different day, but just because I laughed. A lot.
Chapter 1: Wearing Water
I drink a lot of water in a day. Like… 6 liters of water in a day (aside: I also pee like every 10 minutes so, word to the wise, any important conversations better be HELLA quick) Anyyywaayyy, to get it all in, (hah, you made it dirty, didn’t you? Perverts!) I start right from the car ride to work. So, as I was driving, I struggled to get that teeny, tiny plastic cap off my bottle of water. Of course, I was gripping the bottle too tightly and the cap finally came off. And, of course, the water sprayed (stop picturing sexual things! I know you are and I can’t stop giggling as I type). Naturally, today couldn’t be the day I was wearing a black coat that you wouldn’t be able to see watermarks on. Nope, today I wore a lovely, khaki green knee-length coat. Pro – it was super absorbent . Con – I looked like I pissed myself when I got out of my car. Needless to say, I very quickly ran from parking my car, into an elevator and to my desk. (Retrospectively, I could have just taken my coat off but, it was 7 am, I hadn’t had a coffee, so….Yeah, didn’t do that). That brings us, ever so nicely to chapter two…
** Insert Angela stomping, and swearing. As I was typing the gloriously hilarious ending of chapter 2, my laptop was just like “nope” and shut down. Naturally, Chrome couldn’t restore my session. Seriously, Monday, we aren’t f*cking friends.**
Now, let’s try this again…
Chapter 2: Jeepie Ain’t a Hybrid (Duh)
In the building where I work, we have designated “hybrid only” parking spots and I always respect that (mainly because the spots are tight and suck anyway), but this morning half of the parking level was blocked off for construction, so there was no enjoying my regular spot. So, after circling the level, I found a spot that was open and backed ‘er on in. I’ll be honest, as I got out of the truck, I noticed that a third of the wall in front of the spot was painted green for “hybrid vehicles only” but the other two thirds were blocked by a very large, industrial fan which didn’t seem so “green” to me, so I shrugged and carried on. Majority wins in my books. Also, it was 7 am. Also, I looked like I had peed myself. Also, I wanted coffee – c’est la vie. All day, I wondered if management would put a note on my car or anything so, this afternoon, when I returned to my truck, I wasn’t all that surprised to see a piece of paper. A note from building management? Nope. A passive-aggressive message pour moi? Mais oui! The note, which was hastily (probably furiously) written read…
This spot is for HYBRID CARS only. THANKS!!
Ohhhh, double-exclaimed and underlined?! Wow, you must be angry. I wish I knew the jackass who wrote the note – I’d leave a pack of 9V batteries on his/her car tomorrow with a note reading “Here, now you can drive home tonight! You’re WELCOME!!” I’d also like to point out to this jackass, that:
a) Two-thirds of the spot had no marking about which cars could park there, so he/she could eat my shorts and…
b) I LOOKED LIKE I PEED MYSELF
I honestly considered going to the security desk to ask if they had tapes of the parking garage… I so wanted to know, but I also so wanted to get the hell outta dodge, so I cracked up about it all the way home.
Chapter 3: Concrete
(Time travelling back to the morning)
After an hour or so at my desk this morning, I put the pee-pee jacket back on and went for a walk. I was looking at my phone, and went to put it away, thinking I slid it into my pocket. No, this jacket didn’t have pockets where I thought it did. What I had done was, rather forcefully, launched my phone directly into the concrete beneath my feet. Thankfully, I had a case on it, so no major damage was done but I would swear that my heart stopped ever-so-briefly. Also, there were at least 5 people who saw what I did, and I’d venture to guess that at least 2 of them were laughing at me, so I was a little embarrassed (probably 2% embarrassed, 98% concerned that I was going to have to go buy a new phone). Of all the events of the day, this was the one that brought me closest to crying. I keep everything on my phone. I have nothing (NOTHING) committed to memory and so, I was beyond ecstatic that I didn’t manage to destroy it. All’s well that ends well? *shrugs*
Alas, my love-doodles, those were the highlights of my day. I know they are all rather mundane, first-world problems but I hope you laughed, because I sure did. I also hope you drank excessively while reading this, because I sure did!
Love & wine-stained lips,